I enjoyed reading this and recalling some very strong and sad emotions from when l had to make the decision to overdose my old man on morphine at the hospital. Well, it was either him come home and choke to death within a couple of weeks maximum, or me make the decision for my dear mum, who was lost in the moment and was in no fit state to do so. In hindsight, i think the choking option would have been the least distressing. Bless you brother , for what you had to endure at such an early age.🙏🏻
Thank you, Steve. It certainly was a challenge, but not in the way other people assumed it was. There's no real place for death in our society, which is quite the problem since it touches us all. Unfortunately, Shipman pretty much put a stop to the opioid 'out', a zillion forms need signing, fingerprints taken, DNA tests, a CT scan of you and everyone you've ever known, then a can-can from the family, and after all that, they might just prescribe enough. Luckily, the old Grim Reaper was late for a party with Famine, War, and Glory, so I didn't have to make any difficult decisions like that. Thanks for giving it a read and leaving a comment, always much appreciated.
It hurt a bit to read that. My Dad is dead now also. The bit about getting the most out of every situation, I can relate to. I think that’s similar to a lot of working class people. But, you give, you give a lot with your streams and your time. The entertainment I have had from some dark places over the years has been invaluable to me. In 2018 I stayed in a hotel for two weeks after abandoning my missus and her family (in-laws) in Ireland during a holiday over a stupid argument. I escaped back to the UK. I didn’t know what would happen or where I’d end up (luckily it all worked out) but your videos took the edge off a very depressing situation. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you and I’m very glad I typed Jo Guest into YouTube one day and discovered your (gud) vids.
Haha, I'm very glad I got to snog Ms Guest and feel her smooth as silk leg that just so happened to always be just under my arm/hand/mouth. That's interesting, the class aspect you mentioned, I hadn't thought of that but now you say it, when you're living hand to mouth, it's kind of part of you, because you don't know where the next months rent/food/anything is coming from. Happy to have been of assistance, it's a cool community we have over on the tubes. Searching Jo Guest, jeez, she was something else. Most of my long-term GFs have quite happily tolerated my frankly obsessive approach to 90s glamour models, but they all had a bit of trouble with Jo Guest. I think it's because she's not a stunner in the traditional sense, speaks like someone with a severe speech impediment, and for some unknown reason is just pure female seduction. And that's not something you can learn, act, or buy. You have it or you don't. Thanks for reading and leaving a comment, much appreciated.
I so enjoyed reading that, Chris. To me you delivered a very different piece of writing: very personal, honest, and heartfelt. It stirred emotions and inspired ideas and thoughts regarding my own circumstances in life with my parents. But most of all it confirmed that death is a part of life and we need to not be afraid to talk about it. Working for a hospice as I do, we deal with death on a daily basis, and it's helped me to be able to confront whatever lies ahead. I'm hoping and assuming you got a lot out of writing that. Because I certainly did from reading it. Well done, Chris. Your dad would be proud.
Thank you for your kind words. The response to this piece has been amazing, which is really encouraging as a lot of the novel is like this, and at currently 800pp, people have got to like it. It's strange with a piece like this because a lot of the emotional 'work' has been done before the actual writing, although I did catch myself out a few times. Thanks for reading it, Emma, muchano apreciationioni.
Fantastic. A so-called therapist I'm 'seeing' currently has told me to do this - write letters to my dead mum - she's been gone 5 years now, and I still can't talk about her without blubbering like an 8 year old girl... Ours dads were clearly very much the same, though, my old boys still about, walking around with a new tart... I mentioned it to this 'therapist', saying it's just how men from that era acted in my area, and they acted like I'd said something stupid.... fcuk these people, they don't know sh1t. Reading your letter to your dad has been more therapeutic to me than talking to that dumb munta!!!
Hello John. Thank you for giving this a read, really appreciated. And I can identify with you because, in rehab, it's quite usual for them to get the patients, Whoops! Sorry, 'Clients', to write to their 'addiction'. Of course, me being a precocious little prick, decided to somewhat subvert the exercise and arrange to meet my addiction that evening and have a quick use-up in the toilets, and asked if he could bring some porn too, because I can't smoke a rock without some porn. They tried to turn it back on me and said that I actually exposed myself more than had I done what they asked, but they lied, because everyone was just laughing at my descriptions of the staff, and, shall we say.... their inadequacies. It might be worth doing what your therapist said, though, When you can't talk about something, writing can often help. I don't know.... not really my place to comment. Anyway, thanks again, I am going to do a few more of these. Best wishes, my friend.
I have to say, I was bowled over by this piece of writing!! You weaved stories together amidst honesty, saying the things one would think but isn’t really supposed to say, I loved that. Harsh in places but beautiful and in many ways, the kind of letter, I suspect all sons would like to write to their father.
Thank you, Gayle. What a touching and thoughtful response. And yes, it was all about getting the balance right between humour and the grim reality of death without negating too much of either. It could have easily become farcical, or overly sentimental (which would have made it surreal as Hell) but I think I did a good job, as the responses have been lovely. Thank you for reading this and leaving a comment. Much appreciated. I am going to do a series of these, I think. We'll see.
I read the whole thing in one go. Heard you talk about this before and it reminds me I really should apologize to my still living and coherent parents for the 1990s while I have the chance. It's tough to do. I'm trying to indirectly through good conduct since then, and the grandkid. My wife dreams about her dead dad I never met a lot too
I think the good conduct since then is probably doing the job. There's many ways to apologise, but few ways to really make amends, and (going on the little information I have,) I wouldn't be surprised if they've forgotten about that bloke, as they have someone else in your shoes now. Fair play for sorting that out, few manage it. Often times, it's forgiving ourselves we have the most trouble with, and shame is a lot of weight to drag about. But you know the situation, you make your choices. Best wishes.
I put this off for a while as my dad is possibly quite ill at the mo. He's still at the party but his taxi is on its way.
It sounds like a younger you, Chris, someone I've not heard in these writings before. I've been taken into your domestic past so many times, through your tales, but this was understandably the more raw and honest eavesdrop.
It has the sensation of being calmly shown a rather deep wound. That is your business and something about this feels as if a lot has been reconciled? ...I don't know, but I'm very sure your dad would be most proud of his boy and the man he has become.
You have a talent for life and I'll bet that is, in no small part, because of your father.
Understandable, sorry to hear about that situation, but thank you for finding the time and space to give it a go. You should get a job writing blurbs for the backs of novels, 'being calmly shown a rather deep wound' is wonderful. Do you ever write, Ludders?
I've always enjoyed words and how they do their magic. I spend most of the time covered in building and tools and the rest of it trying to forget what reactionary dipshits most of my former aquaintances revealed themselves to be during the last few years.
Anyhow, this was a very moving, lovely read. I like the challenge of getting across how I've thought about and enjoyed, a piece of writing that has impressed me. I can see why you like writing but after a paragraph or two, I'm spent and I just want to go and play some guitar or something.
Thank you for the kind words, but I can modify this sentence: "I like the challenge of getting across how I've thought about and enjoyed, a piece of writing that has impressed me," to this: I like the challenge of getting across how I've thought about and enjoyed, an experience that has impressed me. And suddenly, we're not so different. But, you've got to need to write, not just want to, or you won't, as you've found out. So this was a dull reply. I had my little Fender parlour guitar out yesterday, playing Pete Doherty's 'Albion', which is a beautiful song.
It's nice to be able to connect with people. That's all stories are really, a way of connecting. We tell each other stories when we meet, when we make phone calls, or the modern versions of such things. And if you can do it when one half of you isn't quite present - but not quite absent either - it feels like a win. Cheers mate. Did you read it?
Nice one, Nof. That was the hardest (technical, at least,) part of writing this, getting the humour right without putting too much of a dent in the very deep and frequently dark emotions of a death in the family. Thanks for giving it a go and leaving a comment.
Absolutely loved reading this, which sounds like a heartless thing to say, but I could sort of feel the catharsis-emanating from the screen while reading. Having lost my own dad when I was 7, not through death but divorce, I also had mixed emotions by the time I got to the end. Some pain, some relief, some humour (dark probably), some regret, but not much of that last one. Over all it brings back old Mr Larkins turn of phrase (no, not that David Jason-father of Catherine Zeta-Pop Larkin, not that one) "they feck you up your mum and dad...It deepens like a coastal shelf...Get out as early as you can, And become a Scrub cos it'll change your life. Now p*ss off down your own end talaar"
Cheers Barrett, yes, we really don't know what to do with death when it inevitably comes calling. Healthy societies/communities would have time honoured rituals to help process and mourn in an effective and worthwhile way. Barely having communities, any more, we're obviously lacking such rituals, and so something really powerful, and often damaging is reduced to a farce, like a circus of hot emotions no one wants to hold onto for very long. Thanks for reading and leaving a comment, Muchionoid Appreciatarti.
Yes, as you can probably tell, my relationship with my mum wasn't altogether peachy. But I know for sure she did her best under very difficult circumstances, and after what she went through as a child. Cheers, Neil, thanks for reading and leaving a comment, it means a lot to me.
This story has left me feeling in-between pissed off and sad ,not quite shed a tear. Bit like when my own Dad died 14 years ago . "Don't tell your father" manipulative bastards ain't they mothers.Great writing nice one X
Yes, it's never simple when it's family. What's the saying, 'Your family know how to press your buttons because they installed them". Thanks for reading it, Liz, and leaving a comment, mucharno aprecicoco.
They shape your life, whether they're there or not, or if they were there and went. Thanks for giving it a read and leaving a comment - always much appreciated. I hope you're well.
"People say to me, “Do you still think about your dad?” which misses the point entirely. Neither do I start thinking about you, nor do I stop. You are always there, a part of me. Actually, I am always here, a part of you."
Brutal to read, rare anything can get me to shed two tears, rare to get me to shed one.
Amazing. Thank you. I didn't know until I'd written it, but one thing I can say with a fair amount of certainty is Death, whatever the situation, will always surprise you. How you respond, how you remember, how you proceed, and how you cope with another mortality bomb going off in your face. Cheers, KC, you've confirmed I succeeded with the telling of at least one aspect of the tale. Nice one for the comment, too.
I’ve been meaning to read this for awhile now, not being a very good reader and lacking the time to do so (I lie, it’s so much easier and lazier to just watch a movie or listen to an audiobook) I do drive a lot.
While my Father died when I was in my forties (a work accident) I can only feel anger at his death, he loved his work and was regarded very highly by most in his industry, at the same time I was doing the same job (different industry) and all I ever think is that he should have known better. My mother died 2 years later (cancer) that cut me much deeper. Anyway, thanks for the great story.
Hello ZG. That's a tough one, and probably true. Our culture seems to be continually trying to brush death under the carpet, so when it inevitably comes along and kicks us in the nuts, we're not too well positioned to deal with it - or at least a more healthy culture would embrace its inevitability. Funerals are about the only ritual we have left, and I always find them lacking, frequently to the point of ridiculousness. We used to read our kids stories about death. The European fairytale traditions were riddled with it - death, killing, abandonment, revenge, blame, etc. What now, Teletubbies?
Sorry to hear about your anger regarding your dad's death. I'll refrain from unsolicited advice. Thank you for giving it a read and leaving a comment - it's really appreciated.
It's interesting you talked about laziness, audiobooks, etc., after seeing adverts for Blinkist for the last lord knows how long, I finally found out what is is. An app that reads books for you, and provides a 15 minute summary for you. I can't imagine why the west's IQ continues to plummet. They don't do fiction. Yet. Thankfully. Anyway, have a good weekend.
I enjoyed reading this and recalling some very strong and sad emotions from when l had to make the decision to overdose my old man on morphine at the hospital. Well, it was either him come home and choke to death within a couple of weeks maximum, or me make the decision for my dear mum, who was lost in the moment and was in no fit state to do so. In hindsight, i think the choking option would have been the least distressing. Bless you brother , for what you had to endure at such an early age.🙏🏻
Thank you, Steve. It certainly was a challenge, but not in the way other people assumed it was. There's no real place for death in our society, which is quite the problem since it touches us all. Unfortunately, Shipman pretty much put a stop to the opioid 'out', a zillion forms need signing, fingerprints taken, DNA tests, a CT scan of you and everyone you've ever known, then a can-can from the family, and after all that, they might just prescribe enough. Luckily, the old Grim Reaper was late for a party with Famine, War, and Glory, so I didn't have to make any difficult decisions like that. Thanks for giving it a read and leaving a comment, always much appreciated.
It hurt a bit to read that. My Dad is dead now also. The bit about getting the most out of every situation, I can relate to. I think that’s similar to a lot of working class people. But, you give, you give a lot with your streams and your time. The entertainment I have had from some dark places over the years has been invaluable to me. In 2018 I stayed in a hotel for two weeks after abandoning my missus and her family (in-laws) in Ireland during a holiday over a stupid argument. I escaped back to the UK. I didn’t know what would happen or where I’d end up (luckily it all worked out) but your videos took the edge off a very depressing situation. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you and I’m very glad I typed Jo Guest into YouTube one day and discovered your (gud) vids.
Haha, I'm very glad I got to snog Ms Guest and feel her smooth as silk leg that just so happened to always be just under my arm/hand/mouth. That's interesting, the class aspect you mentioned, I hadn't thought of that but now you say it, when you're living hand to mouth, it's kind of part of you, because you don't know where the next months rent/food/anything is coming from. Happy to have been of assistance, it's a cool community we have over on the tubes. Searching Jo Guest, jeez, she was something else. Most of my long-term GFs have quite happily tolerated my frankly obsessive approach to 90s glamour models, but they all had a bit of trouble with Jo Guest. I think it's because she's not a stunner in the traditional sense, speaks like someone with a severe speech impediment, and for some unknown reason is just pure female seduction. And that's not something you can learn, act, or buy. You have it or you don't. Thanks for reading and leaving a comment, much appreciated.
I so enjoyed reading that, Chris. To me you delivered a very different piece of writing: very personal, honest, and heartfelt. It stirred emotions and inspired ideas and thoughts regarding my own circumstances in life with my parents. But most of all it confirmed that death is a part of life and we need to not be afraid to talk about it. Working for a hospice as I do, we deal with death on a daily basis, and it's helped me to be able to confront whatever lies ahead. I'm hoping and assuming you got a lot out of writing that. Because I certainly did from reading it. Well done, Chris. Your dad would be proud.
Thank you for your kind words. The response to this piece has been amazing, which is really encouraging as a lot of the novel is like this, and at currently 800pp, people have got to like it. It's strange with a piece like this because a lot of the emotional 'work' has been done before the actual writing, although I did catch myself out a few times. Thanks for reading it, Emma, muchano apreciationioni.
Fantastic. A so-called therapist I'm 'seeing' currently has told me to do this - write letters to my dead mum - she's been gone 5 years now, and I still can't talk about her without blubbering like an 8 year old girl... Ours dads were clearly very much the same, though, my old boys still about, walking around with a new tart... I mentioned it to this 'therapist', saying it's just how men from that era acted in my area, and they acted like I'd said something stupid.... fcuk these people, they don't know sh1t. Reading your letter to your dad has been more therapeutic to me than talking to that dumb munta!!!
Thank you, bruv. Look forward to the next one.
Hello John. Thank you for giving this a read, really appreciated. And I can identify with you because, in rehab, it's quite usual for them to get the patients, Whoops! Sorry, 'Clients', to write to their 'addiction'. Of course, me being a precocious little prick, decided to somewhat subvert the exercise and arrange to meet my addiction that evening and have a quick use-up in the toilets, and asked if he could bring some porn too, because I can't smoke a rock without some porn. They tried to turn it back on me and said that I actually exposed myself more than had I done what they asked, but they lied, because everyone was just laughing at my descriptions of the staff, and, shall we say.... their inadequacies. It might be worth doing what your therapist said, though, When you can't talk about something, writing can often help. I don't know.... not really my place to comment. Anyway, thanks again, I am going to do a few more of these. Best wishes, my friend.
I have to say, I was bowled over by this piece of writing!! You weaved stories together amidst honesty, saying the things one would think but isn’t really supposed to say, I loved that. Harsh in places but beautiful and in many ways, the kind of letter, I suspect all sons would like to write to their father.
I was holding back the tears at the end
Thank you, Gayle. What a touching and thoughtful response. And yes, it was all about getting the balance right between humour and the grim reality of death without negating too much of either. It could have easily become farcical, or overly sentimental (which would have made it surreal as Hell) but I think I did a good job, as the responses have been lovely. Thank you for reading this and leaving a comment. Much appreciated. I am going to do a series of these, I think. We'll see.
glad you wrote that.
I'm glad you read it, assuming you did. Kudos to the Death Rates reader. I hope you enjoyed it, and thank you for leaving a comment. Much appreciated.
I read the whole thing in one go. Heard you talk about this before and it reminds me I really should apologize to my still living and coherent parents for the 1990s while I have the chance. It's tough to do. I'm trying to indirectly through good conduct since then, and the grandkid. My wife dreams about her dead dad I never met a lot too
I think the good conduct since then is probably doing the job. There's many ways to apologise, but few ways to really make amends, and (going on the little information I have,) I wouldn't be surprised if they've forgotten about that bloke, as they have someone else in your shoes now. Fair play for sorting that out, few manage it. Often times, it's forgiving ourselves we have the most trouble with, and shame is a lot of weight to drag about. But you know the situation, you make your choices. Best wishes.
I put this off for a while as my dad is possibly quite ill at the mo. He's still at the party but his taxi is on its way.
It sounds like a younger you, Chris, someone I've not heard in these writings before. I've been taken into your domestic past so many times, through your tales, but this was understandably the more raw and honest eavesdrop.
It has the sensation of being calmly shown a rather deep wound. That is your business and something about this feels as if a lot has been reconciled? ...I don't know, but I'm very sure your dad would be most proud of his boy and the man he has become.
You have a talent for life and I'll bet that is, in no small part, because of your father.
Toodle pip.
Understandable, sorry to hear about that situation, but thank you for finding the time and space to give it a go. You should get a job writing blurbs for the backs of novels, 'being calmly shown a rather deep wound' is wonderful. Do you ever write, Ludders?
I've always enjoyed words and how they do their magic. I spend most of the time covered in building and tools and the rest of it trying to forget what reactionary dipshits most of my former aquaintances revealed themselves to be during the last few years.
Anyhow, this was a very moving, lovely read. I like the challenge of getting across how I've thought about and enjoyed, a piece of writing that has impressed me. I can see why you like writing but after a paragraph or two, I'm spent and I just want to go and play some guitar or something.
Much love, as always.
Thank you for the kind words, but I can modify this sentence: "I like the challenge of getting across how I've thought about and enjoyed, a piece of writing that has impressed me," to this: I like the challenge of getting across how I've thought about and enjoyed, an experience that has impressed me. And suddenly, we're not so different. But, you've got to need to write, not just want to, or you won't, as you've found out. So this was a dull reply. I had my little Fender parlour guitar out yesterday, playing Pete Doherty's 'Albion', which is a beautiful song.
That made my wife cry..
It's nice to be able to connect with people. That's all stories are really, a way of connecting. We tell each other stories when we meet, when we make phone calls, or the modern versions of such things. And if you can do it when one half of you isn't quite present - but not quite absent either - it feels like a win. Cheers mate. Did you read it?
Hilarious and emotional at the same time.
The Ribena stained mouth French exchange student had me in stitches.
A very good read from Dangerfield.
RIP Alfie and Janet ❤️
Nice one, Nof. That was the hardest (technical, at least,) part of writing this, getting the humour right without putting too much of a dent in the very deep and frequently dark emotions of a death in the family. Thanks for giving it a go and leaving a comment.
Absolutely loved reading this, which sounds like a heartless thing to say, but I could sort of feel the catharsis-emanating from the screen while reading. Having lost my own dad when I was 7, not through death but divorce, I also had mixed emotions by the time I got to the end. Some pain, some relief, some humour (dark probably), some regret, but not much of that last one. Over all it brings back old Mr Larkins turn of phrase (no, not that David Jason-father of Catherine Zeta-Pop Larkin, not that one) "they feck you up your mum and dad...It deepens like a coastal shelf...Get out as early as you can, And become a Scrub cos it'll change your life. Now p*ss off down your own end talaar"
Ok, I admit I added that last bit.
Cheers Barrett, yes, we really don't know what to do with death when it inevitably comes calling. Healthy societies/communities would have time honoured rituals to help process and mourn in an effective and worthwhile way. Barely having communities, any more, we're obviously lacking such rituals, and so something really powerful, and often damaging is reduced to a farce, like a circus of hot emotions no one wants to hold onto for very long. Thanks for reading and leaving a comment, Muchionoid Appreciatarti.
That's a good read Chris. Sad too! It took me back and brought up things I'd forgotten, I'll forget them again because I didn't want to remember them.
Powerful!
I'll always have my dad in my heart, even though, and he'd admit this, he weren't the best dad, but he was my dad, bless him!
Cheers!
Yes, as you can probably tell, my relationship with my mum wasn't altogether peachy. But I know for sure she did her best under very difficult circumstances, and after what she went through as a child. Cheers, Neil, thanks for reading and leaving a comment, it means a lot to me.
This story has left me feeling in-between pissed off and sad ,not quite shed a tear. Bit like when my own Dad died 14 years ago . "Don't tell your father" manipulative bastards ain't they mothers.Great writing nice one X
Yes, it's never simple when it's family. What's the saying, 'Your family know how to press your buttons because they installed them". Thanks for reading it, Liz, and leaving a comment, mucharno aprecicoco.
Emotional. Just wished I had the pleasure, privilege and time to even got to know my Dad.
Cheers Chris. Never forget the band you both had. All those Father/Son moments that shaped you.
They shape your life, whether they're there or not, or if they were there and went. Thanks for giving it a read and leaving a comment - always much appreciated. I hope you're well.
"People say to me, “Do you still think about your dad?” which misses the point entirely. Neither do I start thinking about you, nor do I stop. You are always there, a part of me. Actually, I am always here, a part of you."
Brutal to read, rare anything can get me to shed two tears, rare to get me to shed one.
More emotional to me than my Grandad's death.
Amazing. Thank you. I didn't know until I'd written it, but one thing I can say with a fair amount of certainty is Death, whatever the situation, will always surprise you. How you respond, how you remember, how you proceed, and how you cope with another mortality bomb going off in your face. Cheers, KC, you've confirmed I succeeded with the telling of at least one aspect of the tale. Nice one for the comment, too.
I’ve been meaning to read this for awhile now, not being a very good reader and lacking the time to do so (I lie, it’s so much easier and lazier to just watch a movie or listen to an audiobook) I do drive a lot.
While my Father died when I was in my forties (a work accident) I can only feel anger at his death, he loved his work and was regarded very highly by most in his industry, at the same time I was doing the same job (different industry) and all I ever think is that he should have known better. My mother died 2 years later (cancer) that cut me much deeper. Anyway, thanks for the great story.
Hello ZG. That's a tough one, and probably true. Our culture seems to be continually trying to brush death under the carpet, so when it inevitably comes along and kicks us in the nuts, we're not too well positioned to deal with it - or at least a more healthy culture would embrace its inevitability. Funerals are about the only ritual we have left, and I always find them lacking, frequently to the point of ridiculousness. We used to read our kids stories about death. The European fairytale traditions were riddled with it - death, killing, abandonment, revenge, blame, etc. What now, Teletubbies?
Sorry to hear about your anger regarding your dad's death. I'll refrain from unsolicited advice. Thank you for giving it a read and leaving a comment - it's really appreciated.
It's interesting you talked about laziness, audiobooks, etc., after seeing adverts for Blinkist for the last lord knows how long, I finally found out what is is. An app that reads books for you, and provides a 15 minute summary for you. I can't imagine why the west's IQ continues to plummet. They don't do fiction. Yet. Thankfully. Anyway, have a good weekend.
Chris, I'm crying!
Hello Neil. That's one hell of a compliment. Thank you for giving it the time and effort. It means a lot to me.