First of all, sorry I haven’t uploaded in a couple of months. I’ve just written a novel that I’m desperate to make available for mid-November so that you can buy ten copies each, and that’s all your Christmas gifts sorted. I’m trying to help you. Anyway…
About twenty years ago, with nothing to do but rip b-loads for breakfast and spend the rest of the day hiding, I noticed there was a customer service postal address on some product I was consuming, and I thought, wouldn’t it be a complete waste of time to send letters to customer service people asking them whatever rubbish I came up with. So I did. I was going to make them into a book, so I grabbed a few reviews (see below,) but the thousand quid a mate lent me to get them printed went on other things and, well, yeah. Another friend lost the originals, a shame as they were in colour, but wow, when I found these blurry, migraine-inducing photocopies the other day, I couldn’t believe it. So here they are.
There are ten images with my letter and the reply, so you’ll need to open Substack to see them all. Please let me know what you think, like, and share, restack, give me some money and all that. Cheers.
Here are the reviews first because famous people have good taste, so you know the letters are excellent…
So funny I shat myself laughing
– Alex James (Blur)
Meaningless gibberish sent to modern corporate personnel whose sole
purpose is to receive and respond to meaningless gibberish. Pointless
and very funny.
- Howard Marks (Mr Nice)
If you ask a silly question, you get a silly answer, unless you’re asking
Customer Services, where for an excess of silliness, you get ‘Kind
regards’, ‘Many thanks’ and as Mr Dangerfield has shown, a free hamburger
voucher.
- Piers Hernu (Editor, FHM)
I am absolutely appalled by these letters
- Jane Bussmann (Writer, The Day Today)
One can only imagine the bemused faces of customer services around the
country as they opened and read Chris Dangerfield’s letters. Some got
scared and sent stock responses, but those who took the time sent
replies almost as hilarious as the original correspondence. And the
very few who got the joke almost restore one’s faith in humankind. I
dare anyone not to read this book in one sitting and subsequently find
themselves thinking and speaking in Dangerfield’s twisted turn of phrase.
Laugh? I did. Charmed, I’m sure.
- Mackenzie Crook (Actor, The Office)
“Presumably the Job Seeker’s Allowance requires you to actually seek a job
with your free afternoons. If there was ever a candidate for forcible
commencement of a DSS Restart Scheme, it’s Dangerfield. His book is
obviously a monumental waste of everyone’s time but absolutely fucking
hilarious. Withdraw his benefits now!”
-Alex Lowe (DJ, Xfm)
You’re bang in trouble, Dangerfield!
- Dave Courtney (Gangster)
Leave a comment and all that. If there’s enough decent feedback (money), I’ll post the rest. There’s another dozen or so. Cheers.
This is like the writing raconteur version of calling pubs and asking for Mike Unstinks, Han Jobe, Wilma Fistfit or Dixie Rect
I like this sort of content, and I'd be up for reading more pieces like it. You were a bit harsh on Tesco though.